I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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