It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
