Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
