i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
