I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
