I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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