I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
