woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
