My liver just broke up with me...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
