Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
