Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
