Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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