u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
