A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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