I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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