Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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