Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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