dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
