NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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