My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
