Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
