you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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