Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My feet surprised me
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
