things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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