someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
