3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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