there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
