i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
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I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
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I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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