When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
