I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
