I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
