Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
