By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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