What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
