I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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