Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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