you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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