Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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