im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You smell like stripper and shame
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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