Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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