She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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