You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
