You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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