apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
