tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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