just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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