Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
