Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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