Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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