Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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