I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
