Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
