I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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