You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
