I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
