Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
